Prologue
Adam, Landon, and I were in the “turning room” as we nickname it. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather straps around his wrist and ankles. I stayed by his side as Landon readied for the transformation.
"Are you ready, love?" I asked Adam, clutching his hand in fear. Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that lasted at least a couple of months to complete, depending on the human being changed. Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side effects made me tighten my grip on his hand. Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command. I found it very appealing and saddening that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life. I was sadden by his decision to change because he had to sacrifice his family, not that he had a loving family to begin with, to be with me.
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded. He was abnormally calm for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face, looking for any fear or some type of emotion to tell me to stop this horrible fate that he choose.
"I’m ready. I want to be with you...for eternity," he said with love in his voice. I flushed at his statement and sighed in content and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. I opened my eyes at looked at him.
“Untie one of my wrists for a sec, would you?” he requested. I did what he asked. Immediately upon being released, he reached up with his free hand and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. Sighing as he cupped my cheek, our eyes met. He knew then that it was time with the expression on my face as I looked at Landon. Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I announced, laying a kiss on Adam’s lips. I looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely.
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Hey,
I don't really know what to say, since I think the others have pointed out everything I noticed while reading, meaning grammar mistakes and sentence structure.
The prologue was kinda short, so it's difficult to say a whole lot about it ...
Just so I don't confuse myself - Landon and the narrator are vampires? Or other immortals?
And ... are you going to go into detail about the changing process in later chapters? Because I personally think that'd be interesting. What I asked myself especially was how they do the whole blood exchanging thing. Do they suck out their whole blood at once or what?
(Don't answer my rambling if the questions will be answered in later chapters ^^)
That's all I can say right now and that hasn't been mentioned yet (I think).
You did a good job!
MySunshine
Hey Night Mistress
Here as requested.
I just hope that it turns out to be more than a stereotypical vampire love story. In that respect I think you'll have to be careful.
You already have quite a lot of reviews so I hope I am not going over old ground.
As others have pointed out there are a few spelling mistakes or perhaps wrong tenses used, so I suggest going back and reading it aloud to catch these.
I think this was a good prologue though, you hooked the reader because I want to know how they came to be in this position, how did they fall in love? and things like that.
There is a good sense of fear surrounding this because by the fact that he has to be tied up, you know it isn't going to be an easy transition. From the affection Adam shows towards her when he is untied, you know they have big feelings for each other.
There is not much else I can say really lol It is well written and there isn't a lot of it. I may go on to read your other chapters though, to find out what happens
Good job! PM me if you want any help.
Bex x
Hi Mistress!
Wow, there has been a lot of improvement! I'm very impressed. This newer version is definitely more enjoyable than the first.
Still, I would highly advise taking the grammatical errors that other reviewers pointed out into account and correct those. However.
Before I begin, I would also like to say that I most definitely agree with Dreamer and liked how you didn't come right out and say "We're vampires". That was a really nice touch.
I agree with Jabber too, and think you could've described the Turning Room a bit more. As of right now, readers are almost literally in the dark. We have no idea where we're supposed to be! Is the turning room dark? In a cellar? A Medieval-style dungeon? Show us!
Alright, so you've officially gotten my attention with all of this 'blood switching' stuff, so now what? A bunch of cheesy dialogue and 'eternal love'. But, that is ok I guess since this is a romance piece. This isn't half-bad for a prologue, and you successfully managed to capture the reader's attention and draw them in.
Not much else to say. Good job! I can tell you're improving. Just remember to take advice and edit where necessary.
*anti-pop
Hullo, Night!
Pretty good hook here for a story. I like how you didn't say the word 'vampire' at any point in the prologue, and still got it through with the creature of the night and the immortal bits. Very well done there. I, personally, get irked when I'm reading a story and suddenly the author announces that the MC is a werewolf or a shape shifter or vampire or whathaveyou. You slipped it in gradually and smoothly, so major points on that.
Only found one line that was confusing:
Because Landon was the last guy mentioned, 'he' automatically refers back to him. It peaked my interest to want to know why Landon was switching his blood out for theirs, and why the girl wasn't tied in the chair, too. Thought it was curious until a bit later, and then I needed to re-read a couple times for it to click. Might want to consider rephrasing.
This here is fine as it is, structure wise, it's just a bit long to read because of the repetition of 'and'. read it out loud, maybe you'll see it. I suggest getting rid of one of them, perhaps the first, and re-placing it with a coma, or perhaps re-wording it and/or breaking it into two sentences.
^^ Personally, I like the second better than the first, but your call.
Overall, pretty good. I'd be interested in reading the others after this if you'd care for another crit. Sounds like you've got some pretty good characters, and you seem like a strong writer with this. Have a clear voice that comes through. Very smooth read.
Hey, Mistress! I'm here as I said I would be. ^_^
Seeing as the grammar looks covered, I'll skip to my general thoughts about this. ^^
Mkay, I have never read the original, so this is a first-timer's opinion. I think this was too short. ^_^ You could have built a lot of emotion with this. Fleshing out the characters (all three) would do this much good.
I hesitate on going further just because I'm unsure if this is even needed. Now, I didn't read any of this, so what do I know? However, this didn't show me anything except that Adam is going to be transformed in the end, and that could be mentioned at any time later on in the novel. So this as a prologue may generally be unneeded, though it's up to you on that one. My thoughts will be confirmed later.
The setting could be fleshed out better. I had no idea where they are or what the place looked like. Only that it was called the "Turning Room." Supposedly the vampires need a Turning Room. xD That's pretty epic. I wonder if your vampires are unique in some way? Is the transformation process different? I'm curious as to your type of vampires--your own flare.
There were typos/grammar situations in this piece. A few were pointed out by others. I decided not to find them myself so as to keep from repeating anyone else. Reread this and fix the tenses and the typos. Try to make this flow better from one sentence to the next. Flesh it out and give it more taste and feel. Show me what's happening, don't just tell me what's going on. I already know what's going on. Show me the money. =D
Questions, find me. Keep writing! =D
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey, Bri. Here I am taking forever to review this part. Sorry, about that.
It looks kind of odd, to place parentheses around turning room. Why don't you italicize it. But then, it's totally up to you.
If. And I mean If, this is told from the present to the past, then shouldn't bound be with an ed?
Okay, readied does not click with me. Try prepared.
Finally!! Thank you, Bri! I haven't read one novel/story, that had the accurate way to turn a human into a vampire. I mean, look at the classic Dracula.
Yeah, that's true. It is pretty bad, if you think about it.
The whole my love and immortal life is the most cheesiest thing ever. Don't get me wrong, that's just my opinion.
Ugh! Maybe it's just me not reading a really really good vampire novel (besides Dracula), but the whole creature of the night is just too much.
Again, another cheesy moment. For eternity. But. If you're planning to write a a really good paranormal romance novel with vampires, then I guess I shouldn't complain. Sorry, then.
*Bri~
Well. Well. Well. *sighs* I haven't read a vampire genre type of book in a very long time. Very. Long. Time. Because those vampire novels out there are either too much or doesn't catch my interest at all. They're way over-rated and over-used.
Maybe because I haven't read one, that might be why I was nit-picky with this piece. Anyway, I'm sorry if I seem to offend you.
I'm off to review chapter one.
*Merry
Sorry it took me so long to get back to this, I don't check my guestbook thing often, so I just noticed the comments you left.
This is just my personal opinion, but maybe did you mean anxiety instead of fear?This sentence sounds like it has too many and's. Try to rephrase, maybe.
Did you mean "to" instead of the first "at"?
I liked this line a lot.
So, the rewrite was really really good. I just pointed out a few nitpicks, but overall, I think this is a really fantastic start to the story. Good job.
Hey, Bri. I’m ready to read your edited version. Hopefully it is of some help to you!
“nicknamed” instead of “nickname”
“saddened” instead of “sadden”.
Also, I like that little twist you threw in there about Adam’s family, about it being not a loving one
~ ~ ~ ~
Just like before, I love the intensity you have. My only suggestion would be, if you could, to build it up even more. Show a little more emotion between Adam and your MC. Also, what does Landon think throughout this whole thing. Is he for changing Adam or against. Give us little hints with his actions and I think that will help as well.
Otherwise, on to chapter one!
thanks. i worked really hard to get it to this level. i still feel like it could use some improve it. Just remember that the re-write version are in the squiggle lines.
Definitly a great improvement! Very enjoyable and you still kept the same passion that the first version had. I can really tell the difference between adam and landon now and it has a nice feel to it.
There was only one spelling mistake that i noticed but other then that it was fairly well written.
Haruno Sakura:
Aww. thank you. I will pm you when i have the re-write of chapter one post, or you can read the old chapter one. it's up to you. thanks again for reading my story.
This is good! I want to read more now
Just a few grammatical errors:
The term "at least" seems unnecessary, as well as "a couple". They are just extra words that make the sentence seem choppy. Taking them out, it would read: It was a painful process that lasted several months, depending on the human in question. It's simpler to read.
I fixed the word in bold. It formerly read, "I was sadden".
Also, if his family isn't loving, maybe you could just say that your MC is saddened by her lover's decision to give up his humanity in general.
Reread this sentence yourself. It's weird.
I wouldn't use the word being. Since humans can also be called human beings, it looks weird. I'm not sure how to explain it. Also, make sure the word "change" is altered into the past tense, changed.
Praise:
-It was interesting
-I knew what you were talking about, even though you did not once use the word vampire! Good job getting the point across!
-Sakura
teddybear22:
thanks for reading.
Okay, it's better. You already know what I think about all of them. So I'll just leave with this, keep up the descriptions and Keep Writing!